Porch #118 🦃 When there's turkeys in the room
dysfunctional family dynamics, drama queens, surprising reasons to forgive but not forget, & showing respect in the midst of the mess
Hello again, friends. It’s the weekend before Thanksgiving! Can you believe it?
Right off the top, I’m making sure that the welcome mat is out for all you new subscribers. If you were stepping through the door of my home for some kind of get-together, I’d give you a hug, offer you something to drink, and introduce you to a few others I think you might click with. With any luck, there’d even be a charcuterie board (aka Grandpa’s old cutting board with snacks) on the counter for you to nibble from to help get you through those initial awkward minutes.
I’m an introvert, born and bred, and l cherish those quiet solitude hours spent reading, writing, and creating. But I come alive when holding space for others to share their stories, whether face to face or online. So consider this your own personal invitation to be brave and head to the comment section when you’re done reading. Check out How do I leave a comment (and other pressing questions) for a step by step guide.
Ok, enough with the commercial. Let’s talk about family dynamics. What could be a more fitting subject as we roll into the holiday season.
Every family has it's own unique idiosyncrasies. And the nuts don't fall far from the tree, do they. Nowhere is this more obvious and irritating than at the holidays when far too many of us revert back to childhood roles and behavior, often without a clue.
It's usually not an attractive sight.Â
It's rare to come across an extended family where this doesn't occur in some way, shape, or form. And right up front I'll own my own stuff. I don't have to look further than my mirror. I understand my storyline and have worked through how it's impacted me. I've forgiven, I've moved on, but I'm still prone to head back into those old familiar ways of relating that protected me, made me feel more important, gave me a bit of power and control.
It's like slipping into an old ratty sweatshirt. At least it's familiar and comfortable, even though it's long lost its appeal.
Some families have obvious dysfunction ... and others specialize in more subtle, passive aggressive ways of relating, disagreeing, speaking their truth. If you've been repeatedly hurt, frustrated, scared, or disrespected, it changes the way you see the world and your default mode becomes living life on high alert, always prepared for battles, real or imagined.
THE SPECIFICS …
In Which We Talk About Drama Queens
Here's Why You Should Forgive ... and 3 Surprising Reasons Why You Shouldn't Forget
7 Ways You Can Show More Respect At Home
THE SCRIPTURE …
It's easy to point the finger at others 'round the table, the ones that arrive with a bit of a chip on their shoulder ... or the ones who didn't bother showing up at all. But the Psalmist points us to the mirror:Â
Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me, and know my anxieties; And see if there is any wicked way in me, And lead me in the way everlasting.
Psalm 139:3-4 (NKJV)
Spirit-guided self-reflection invites us to go to the roots of harmful, often sinful ways of relating which emerge when festering wounds aren't identified, tended, and released to the Healer of our hearts. Anxieties, unfinished business, pain, unforgiveness, anger are a sampling of the toxins that fill our wrecked souls and begin to define who we are and how we are seen by others. Â
For out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks.
Matthew 12:34 (NKJV)
If you're feeling some nudges from the Holy Spirit about your own role in messy family dynamics, pay attention to what He's whispering ... or maybe even shouting.Â
When He, the Spirit of truth, has come, He will guide you into all truth.
John 16:13 (NKJV)
THE RESOURCES …
10 Ways to Keep Family Members from Ruining Your Holidays
Joe Navarro, M.A.
What Constitutes Abuse?
Leslie Vernick, LLC
The Emotionally Destructive Relationship: Seeing It, Stopping It, Surviving It by Leslie Vernick is an excellent companion if you're navigating rough family dynamics. Click here to look into, have a listen, or get a sample. I highly recommend.
Let’s talk about all this relational stuff that so easily takes on a life of its own right about now.
Linda
PORCH is a Christ-centered weekend newsletter featuring gentle conversation, calming snapshots, uplifting linkage, and occasional surprises
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Family dynamics are so interesting! As a parent, I need to watch my role in them, too. My youngest was upset that when I was moving I gave furniture to my eldest without asking if she wanted anything. My eldest is married with children, and my youngest is the "adventurer" with an apartment. I make assumptions on who they are and what they'd like - pigeon-hole them into roles, so to speak! Needless to say, I still gave my backpack bladder to my youngest, but will make sure I include both of them in all my give aways now.
I'm off to click on some links here, as usual, Linda. I just finished Lysa TerKeurst's book on Good Boundaries. It was helpful. Thanks for sharing your good finds with us!