Porch #177 💍 8 marriage pitfalls to avoid like the plague
BTW, if anyone tells you their marriage is the best it can be, run the other way.
Hey friends, thanks for the lovely outpouring of kind anniversary words (as well as the hopeful direction about what it looks like to do the next decade of life well). We celebrated our 49th at DQ with our must-haves - a chocolate Blizzard with extra Reeses Peanut Butter Cups for me and a dish of plain old chocolate for him.
Like I said, we really are quite different.
And yes, we’re still lifelong students in the process of learning to love each other well ... especially because our personalities, interests, giftedness, and love languages could easily make us look like we arrived in each other’s lives from different planets.
Potential pitfalls in a relationship are countless and plentiful. Too often, these sometimes ghastly occurrences emerge as no big surprise. Truth be told, we may have glimpsed the writing on the wall, but were somehow unready, unwilling, or unable to wisely deal with attitudes or behaviors (our own or our spouse's) that ranged from mildly irritating to downright abusive.
You know, those ongoing choices that have proven to be unhealthy or perhaps even dangerous to the emotional, physical, or spiritual well-being of our marriages.
But we're not talking abuse today.
Instead, we're focusing on marriage's irritating, foolish snares. When all is said and done, these pitfalls ultimately emerge as spiritual issues, because no one loves to fan the flames of inappropriate, subtly destructive behavior more than the enemy of our souls who most certainly hates any loving, loyal, compassionate commitment.
On the table? Eight marriage bugaboos to be aware of. And if you’re not married, you’ll probably glean some helpful insights for other relationships.
1. Thinking your spouse has a crystal ball.
For years I figured that my husband should just instinctively KNOW my deepest desires and ALL my hopes and dreams. Truth is, he didn't have a clue.
Along the way, I discovered that the love of my life was not a mind reader, and if I wanted him to know all about my quirky intricacies, I was going to have to tell him. And do so with respect, during times of peace, not when my hair was standing on end with frustration.
Caring Assertiveness: Relating Directly, Honestly, & with Respect
2. Wanting to be right instead of wanting to be content.
Some spouses are so busy fighting for their rights, fighting to be heard, fighting to win the next argument, or fighting to come out on top that they don't realize that all these futile debates do is produce a lose/lose outcome. No one emerges as a winner ... and the very-much-aware children end up the biggest losers of all.
Choose your battles wisely. Is this worth going to the mat for? Does it draw you closer to God? Probably not.
3. Believing that you're the Holy Spirit.
One of the things that the Spirit does so beautifully is convict (read John 16:8-10). If we are endlessly haranguing our spouse about diet, smoking, finances, in-laws, health, leadership, parenting, church attendance, ad nauseam, we are treading on ground that we don't own. Learn the art of speaking the truth in love with respect. After bringing up the topic no more than 2 or 3 times, drop it.
Allow natural consequences to kick in. And use the energy you were burning up to converse with God about what's bugging you. And watch His power kick into gear.
4. Entertaining at your spouse's expense.
Few things are more embarrassing than seeing one spouse constantly correcting the other or making tasteless remarks and insensitive, stupid jokes at the other's expense. The emotionally abused spouse ends up feeling like two cents. And this craving to be in the spotlight only reflects the big mouth's own neediness and lack of self-esteem, and they end up looking petty and small themselves.
If this is you, please clam up.
5. Demanding that your spouse meet all your needs.
Let each other off the hook on this one. Does he get catatonic at the thought of an all-day shopping marathon? Do her eyes glaze over at the prospect of watching back to back to back games on TV? There are some needs that can only be met by a same-sex friend or other family members. Or the rewards that creative work or an interesting hobby can offer.
But ultimately, only the Lover of our souls is ready, willing, and able to meet the deepest, gaping needs that remain unfulfilled in the deepest parts of who we are.
6. Hoping your true colors will remain hidden.
The honeymoon is oh so sweet. But your true character will most likely show up as you have children. Or are unable to. During the myriad of traumas, losses, and crises that will land on your doorstep. During a pandemic's seemingly endless quarantine. Or as you age.
Just ask the soul whose spouse has slowly disappeared into the horror of dementia. Or who pushes a wheelchair. Applies medication to their life partner's gaping pressure sores. Cleans out a clogged trach tube. Or changes their messy Depends. Faithfully. Day in and day out.
7. Assuming your partner appreciates the same love language as you do.
He might hear love through physical touch or acts of service while she craves words of affirmation. Don't take the easy way out by simply giving your spouse what you yearn for. Move on out of your well-worn comfort zone and set your mind toward showing love in those ways your spouse longs to experience.
Even if it's a bit awkward and unnatural at first. Trust me, you'll see your marriage take off like a rocket.
8. Inviting your family and friends into your personal business.
Do not fall into the trap of sharing your marital problems with family or friends who will quickly get pulled into taking sides in your private drama. Not only will they take sides, but long after you and your spouse have reconciled and moved ahead, they will forever remember the secrets you shared that should have been yours and God's alone.
And their relationship with your spouse will be permanently marred.
Let's talk about what you know to be true about marriage ...
Linda
P.S. #1
If you're not sure what domestic abuse looks like, click here to go to The National Domestic Abuse Hotline. Their number is 1.800.799.7233.
P.S. #2
Visit Leslie Vernick's exceptional website that helps women navigate unhealthy or destructive marriages. She also has a site dedicated to training pastors, church leaders, and counselors on issues of abuse right here.
Her books The Emotionally Destructive Relationship and The Emotionally Destructive Marriage are must-haves on the bookshelves of every people helper. I’m a huge fan of these resources.
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My husband and I will celebrate our 62nd anniversary in June, and I must tell you that your words of wisdom are spot on! They are all lessons I've had to learn (and am still learning), some with more struggle than others. We are opposites: I'm a true introvert who loves reading, journaling, and doing things alone, and am slow to respond; he's the extrovert who loves people and sports of every kind, doesn't meet a stranger, and makes quick decisions. The hardest lesson was realizing that I'm not the Holy Spirit! But God has been gracious to us and preserved our marriage through some difficult seasons. It's all because of His power, mercy, and grace, and I give Him the praise. I want to share these things with our three recently-married grandchildren (all in their 20s and strong in their faith).
Years ago I was lending an ear to a friend, who was having problems in her marriage (that eventually ended in divorce). She really needed to talk about it with someone. I will never forget one thing she said that I usually share with the youngers who are just going from shallow to deep waters in relationship forming.
She said, "Girls are always telling me how to make a list of the ten things they want in a mate. I always respond - no, what you need to do is make a list of the top five things you cannot/will not excuse or accept. The rest are usually just things you have to compromise on."
This is deeper than it sounds on the surface because it forces one to decide, up front, what can't be compromised on. That first flush of being in love very often blurs vision and ignores or makes excuses for things that are destined to become insurmountable problems. LIke alcoholism, for example. Or chronic lying.