Porch #132 💐 It's ok to ask for what you want

it doesn't mean your every desire will be granted but it sure beats wishing your people were mind readers (PLUS Sarah Bessey and Emily Freeman on marriage, listening well, and faith!)

PORCH is a Christ-centered weekend newsletter featuring gentle conversation, calming snapshots, uplifting linkage, & occasional surprises

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God wants us to grow up, to know the whole truth and tell it in love—like Christ in everything. We take our lead from Christ, who is the source of everything we do. He keeps us in step with each other. His very breath and blood flow through us, nourishing us so that we will grow up healthy in God, robust in love.
- Ephesians 4:14-16 (The Message)

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For years I figured that my husband should just instinctively KNOW my deepest desires and all my hopes and dreams.  Truth is, he didn't have a clue.

Along the way, I discovered that the love of my life was not a mind reader, and if I wanted him to know all about my quirky intricacies, I was going to have to tell him.  And do so with respect, during times of peace, not when I was seething with frustration.

No one has a crystal ball.

Some of us think that those around us should just intuitively know what we feel, want, or need and automatically respond in kind.  But more often than not, that's not reality.  We get all hurt and frustrated, think the absolute worst of those closest to us, and our disappointment bursts into bouts of anger, accusations, and hurtful words that can never be retrieved.

Or we resort to a variety of passive aggressive tactics as we pout or dole out the silent treatment to an audience whose energy has already been drained by yet another manipulative performance.

Or we finally tuck it all inside, bury it deep, and morph into victims as we slowly sink into the mire of despair and depression.

And who has time for that. 

'Cause this does nothing to build any kind of long-lasting trust or strengthen a relationship or truly invite anyone to come alongside us in a time of need.

We’ll celebrate our 48th in 5 weeks. Yet we are still lifelong students in the process of learning to love each other well ... especially because our personalities, interests, giftedness, and love languages are so very different.

I’ll still ask for the flowers. Or just a non-judgmental listening ear. Because he has yet proved to be a mind-reader 100% of the time. And I know, for sure, that I haven’t either.

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SPEAKING OF MARRIAGE, LISTENING WELL, & FAITH …

I’m so happy to share 2 online conversations with the lovely, articulate author and next generation leader, Sarah Bessey. I’ve been following Sarah’s work for well over a decade and her just released book, Field Notes for the Wilderness: Practices for an Evolving Faith is sitting right beside me even as we speak. Look for my review mid-March.

I’ll step right out on a limb and up onto my soapbox in observing that those of us who run in conservative religious circles get too easily thrown when we hear that someone is deconstructing their faith. But the truth is, hopefully we’re all actively navigating our life with Christ. Walking right into the hard questions in light of God’s Word. Wrestling with what’s out of kilter in our souls, our culture, our relationships, our politics, our churches. Listening to the Spirit ‘guide us into all truth’ (John 16:13). Making the sometimes painful decisions that finally swing wide the doors to deeply embrace the loving-kindness of Jesus Christ Himself in the hidden broken places of our own weary souls.

And realizing it’s only by God’s never-ending relentless grace that we’ve made any spiritual progress at all along the way. This kind of humble heart attitude enables us to listen well to the spiritual ponderings of others especially if their struggles might be quite different than our own.

We ask God to touch our hearts with the things that touch the heart of God. The stories of others don’t scare us or throw us into a know-it-all fix-it mode. We become willing to provide safe spaces that support soul-level exploration and fresh insight into spiritual truth. We are better able to put ourselves in unfamiliar shoes and become willing to glean from another human’s vulnerable experiences and hard-won observations. We count it a privilege to sit with the hurting, the vulnerable, the tormented, knowing that none of us are immune to life’s pain and heartache.

We are wise to listen prayerfully and quietly without condemnation, tsk-tsking, hand-wringing, or fear. Because ‘Christ’s love compels us’ (2 Corinthians 5:14). And we have renewed confidence in the power of the Holy Spirit to do His healing work not only in our own lives, but in everyone else’s, too.

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Sarah opens up about her marriage and evolving faith journey in the first link and then has a reflective chat with Emily Freeman (another online favorite of mine for well over a decade) in the second link. We’ll be talking about Emily’s upcoming book, How to Walk Into a Room: The Art of Knowing When to Stay and When to Walk Away in the weeks ahead too.

I love that these women of faith are birthing their books at the same time. They prove to be such loving, supportive companions for each other in the process …

Finally: Navigating Marriage + An Evolving Faith

If your faith is evolving, don't be afraid

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Thank you, thank you, dear kindred spirits for sitting with me as I made my way through Covid in recent days. You sent so much love my way, leaving me feeling much less isolated than I would have if I had just kept it all close to the vest.

I guess it truly does pay to tell others where you’re coming from, especially when you feel like you’re in a safe space where you’re not going to get frowned on or lectured to. Far too many of us have had enough of that along the way.

I’m doing better each day, giving myself a whole lotta grace and space between tasks. And wonder of wonders, I think my sense of smell just might be making a gradual comeback. I feel so incredibly blessed to do life in your company. I’m so grateful that we can hold each other’s concerns with gentle kindness and respect, even as we lift each other up in prayer.

Virtual hugs,
Linda

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