Oh dear Grammy, you touched me so. Lifting you up in prayer today. One thing about this amazing community is just that. Here you'll find a loving community that you don't know when it happened but you find everybody here became your friend. I'm going to think about some podcasts or books though. K-Love Radio has been a life line for me, there's uplifting songs for every season. I've been listening to K-Love for years and years and sometimes it's like "hey how'd they know", we'll God knew and put a song into that artist just for us.
Linda, thanks so very much for sharing Dear Linda with Sweet Tea & Friends this month sweet friend.
Oh yes, Paula, K-Love is so encouraging and The Message on Sirius XM Radio is another beautiful place for uplifting Christian music. It's amazing how music touches the majestic heart of God as well as our own often hurting souls.
Thanks for sharing this helpful idea, friend. Bless you for reaching out.
Thank you for such helpful advice and suggestions. I am praying for devine healing for someone I love so much. I know many are going through similar waters as well. Just know others have found that healing is encouraging.
Thank you for these wise suggestions, Linda. A friend of mine experiences bouts of depression. She's doing many of the right things, but of course I'd like to be the right kind of support for her. I'm printing out this post to keep as a reference!
Dear Linda, this was absolutely sage, stellar advice. I could not agree more with every single point. I have been around severely depressed people my entire life. I also went through my own dark valley of depression in 1995. I truly did not think I would ever get through it, but God. He is so awesome and faithful. I believe one of the reasons He allowed me to reach such a dark, hopeless, tormented state was so I would understand firsthand that people can't just "snap out of it" or "get a hold of themselves," or "just get over it," which is what I used to think when I would become so frustrated over the deep sadness of others. God wanted me to understand how it felt to be in that quicksand and want out with all my heart, and yet not be able to pull myself up out of it. I came out of that deeply personal experience with a lot more empathy and comprehension of the reality that people don't stay depressed on purpose. That experience armed me to realize it is one thing to walk through your own depression - it is quite another to watch someone you dearly love walk through their own dark night. The element of control is removed, and you cannot "fix" another person, nor is it your responsibility to. You have to come to strong terms with that fact because if you don't, it will literally destroy you. I have had to reach that point, mentally, multiple times, with different loved ones, and it has truly been the key to me keeping my own sanity. It breathes life into YOU when dealing with a loved one's depression if you can truly embrace that you cannot fix them, and it is not your responsibility to. NOT that your loved one won't guilt you and try to make you feel like their healing is all depending on you. Hear this truth - it's not. You are not the savior, nor does God ask you to try to be. There is only one Savior, and it's Him. So He would never lay that kind of load of responsibility on you. Release yourself from thinking you need to fix her. Pray for your sister, and truly give her to God, knowing He requires nothing more from you than to pray for her and love her. Sometimes that love needs to be present with her, and sometimes you need to step away and take good care of yourself, while loving her from a distance. The precious Holy Spirit is faithful and will guide you to know the difference. You will get through this.
You're so right, friend. It's usually not until we personally experience depression, anxiety, cancer, chronic pain, life-threatening diagnoses, deep grief, etc. that we can fully appreciate what it's like. I know from personal experience that having someone you love tell you to 'snap out of it' can drive you right around the bend to a bottomless pit of hopelessness and despair.
When we choose to love well and faithfully over the long haul instead of demanding instant fixes we will be the companions that are most effective caregivers. Listening well and showing a quiet, gentle kindness go a long way toward giving hope. Releasing our loved ones continually to The Healer is life-giving and freeing.
From my own experience with people, I would say you touched on the vitals. I would say, "Be there." "Don't be an enabler." "Use words, even Scripture, wisely and with discernment." "Don't be preachy and come off as super-spiritual and having all the answers." "Be a friend who listens." "Protect yourself from being taken advantage of."
"Don't be preachy and come off as super-spiritual and having all the answers."
Yeah. When people are in emotional or physical pain, they zone out and go numb when someone waltzes in who sees themselves as super-spiritual with an answer for all of life's problems.
Lord have mercy. Send me someone who will sit quietly with me, pray silently for me, listen well. Bring flowers and a gentle hug, not words that need to be unpacked and sorted through. Who has the energy for all of it?
My heart goes out to Grammie. I am praying even now for the Lord to strengthen, encourage, and comfort her heart (as only He can). I agree that setting some time aside for self-care (a walk, hot bath, journaling) makes a massive difference in internal processing and continuing to give to those around us.
Yes, yes, there's something about a long soak in a hot bath that calms body, mind, and soul. It's a re-centering, renewing experience. Maybe we all need those long soaks more than the quick showers ...
Exhausted Grammie, I am praying for you right now. I am so sorry for your deep losses and pain. May the peace of God envelop you and comfort you as you walk through such a difficult season. I once found myself in such a season after my Daddy passed away. My son was little, and my elderly, widowed mother had many needs, and I was the one who cared for her. I felt so torn. I remember one night in an ER with Mom. Our little son was with me because my husband was working the night shift. There was a curtain around Mom's ER bed. I stood in the middle of the curtain—my little son was on one side looking up at me, anguish in his tired eyes, quietly begging me to leave and take him home. Unaware of what was happening, Mom was on the other side of the curtain, pleading with me to stay until they got her settled into a room. I don't know a time that I felt more torn as my heart went out with so much compassion to both of them, as the realization washed over me that there was no way I could please them both. Moments/seasons like that try your very soul. You will get through this. This season didn't come to stay, it came to pass. God bless and hold you extra close as you grieve and try to meet the demands of so many.
Oh my, Cheryl, you certainly know where Grammie is coming from. You hear and see the sometimes unspoken pleading and the experience of feeling like Gumby, pulled from all sides. Your story will encourage her that she's not alone in this age-old struggle.
So ... can we ask what happened next? Or is it something that is too personal.
Thank you so much for your kind words, dear friend. Absolutely! It is not too personal to share. God saw me through. I am not going to say that it was easy, and there were times I nearly crumbled, to be honest. All this was happening while Kevin and I were heavily involved in church leadership, and I also ran a bread ministry and clothing ministry at the same time and homeschooled Zach. My dear, sweet Mom was no longer able to drive, but she rode with me all over the place, visiting hospitals and the sick, picking up and delivering bread and clothing donations, etc. She would sit with Zach in the car to watch him so I could do what I needed to, as Kevin worked a full-time job. I look back on those years now and realize how very precious they were. I would not change a thing. Not one thing. A friend of ours says, "God will see us through if we can stand the pull." There is so much truth in that. He didn't promise us an easy life, but He promised that His grace is sufficient, and I have proven time after time that is true. When our strength fails, His strength is made perfect in our weakness.
Oh what a beautiful legacy your Mom left you, Cheryl. You sound so much like her. I am so grateful you've shared more of your story. I'm always blessed by hearing what God has done in you and through you.
Grammie, I’m so sorry for all that you’re going through right now—it sounds incredibly tough. Your feelings of exhaustion, anger, and resentment are completely understandable. Linda’s advice to take care of yourself first is so important, especially when you’re juggling so much. I hope you find little moments to recharge, whether that’s journaling or leaning on your support network.
Grammie, it sure does feel like a hamster wheel, doesn't it - when we're helping with the grands, helping our own aging parents, wanting to find spaces where our heart has energy for joy to just sit and enjoy our own children - where do we find time to grieve, to process, for refreshing! I am praying, Grammie, that God make space and time for your heart to grieve, for refreshing under the weight (and heart) for caring for all the age groups that fall under your care. I pray, Father, that you send encouragers to walk with her and lift her up, that she find the right message in the just right book that she can sit with that brings peace. You are not surprised, Father - you knew before she drew her first breath she would be feeling what she is feeling right now, experiencing what she is experiencing - and you already have exactly what she needs! As you work your plan for her daily Father, I pray that you give her peaceful sleep and restful dreams, that she be encouraged in ways only you know how to do! Thank you, Father, for your son, so that we can ask right here; right now! Amen!
Oh amen. And amen again, Maryleigh. Thank you for lifting Grammie up with such thoughtful words and requests. You have heard her heart well. Thank you for coming alongside her in such a significant way.
Sally, I love that you keep a stack of copies on hand. You don't have to scurry around to find something appropriate and meaningful to give. This is brilliant.
I have a friend who is in this sandwich position. She has been involved in almost daily care of her aging mother, yet also is trying to spend time with her grandson. Sometimes we need to be cloned! Your advice is sound; I'll try to pass it along to my friend.
These are hard seasons, aren't they, Lisa. We look back and wonder how we ever made it through. But then we realize (yet again) that He carried us every single step of the way. His faithfulness assures us that He will do it again and again. I'm so grateful.
Grammie, I'm sorry about the depth of sorrow you are dealing with. Will be praying for strength for you as you go through your days and comfort that God knows how you are feeling even when you are too exhausted and weak to pray.
Grammy, your heart is broken and mine breaks for you. I'll keep you in my prayers, trusting that our loving Father will hold you close in his warm and comforting embrace as you walk with him during this time of pain, loss and grief. Know that others care about you and see you for the strong woman you are. Blessings!
Oh, Grammie, my heart aches for you. No wonder you're overwhelmed with big emotions; you're in the middle of big responsibilities coupled with tremendous grief. Any one would struggle under such circumstances. This is my prayer for you: Lord God, we praise you for being responsive to the prayers of the destitute. You do not despise their pleas (Psalm 102:17). I pray you provide the help needed by this dear daughter of yours. May she "just happen" to be connected to people and resources that offer relief. May she see your hand at work in downright miraculous ways! As Grammie's needs are fulfilled, we all will give you the glory for your kindness and faithfulness to her, and your awesome power to perform marvelous deeds for her (Psalm 86:10). We pray these things in the name of Jesus, and thank you in advance for what you are about to do! AMEN.
Oh dear Grammy, you touched me so. Lifting you up in prayer today. One thing about this amazing community is just that. Here you'll find a loving community that you don't know when it happened but you find everybody here became your friend. I'm going to think about some podcasts or books though. K-Love Radio has been a life line for me, there's uplifting songs for every season. I've been listening to K-Love for years and years and sometimes it's like "hey how'd they know", we'll God knew and put a song into that artist just for us.
Linda, thanks so very much for sharing Dear Linda with Sweet Tea & Friends this month sweet friend.
Oh yes, Paula, K-Love is so encouraging and The Message on Sirius XM Radio is another beautiful place for uplifting Christian music. It's amazing how music touches the majestic heart of God as well as our own often hurting souls.
Thanks for sharing this helpful idea, friend. Bless you for reaching out.
Thank you for such helpful advice and suggestions. I am praying for devine healing for someone I love so much. I know many are going through similar waters as well. Just know others have found that healing is encouraging.
Yes, she is not alone. We are not alone. Bless you as you continue to love this person well, Jennifer.
Thank you for these wise suggestions, Linda. A friend of mine experiences bouts of depression. She's doing many of the right things, but of course I'd like to be the right kind of support for her. I'm printing out this post to keep as a reference!
Nancy, she is blessed to have you come alongside her.
Thank you, Linda!
Linda, I've never read such a thoughtful, practical and hopeful pathway for those who love someone who is struggling with depression. Bless you!
You know I had to go there myself before I could really be truly present for others ...
xo
Dear Linda, this was absolutely sage, stellar advice. I could not agree more with every single point. I have been around severely depressed people my entire life. I also went through my own dark valley of depression in 1995. I truly did not think I would ever get through it, but God. He is so awesome and faithful. I believe one of the reasons He allowed me to reach such a dark, hopeless, tormented state was so I would understand firsthand that people can't just "snap out of it" or "get a hold of themselves," or "just get over it," which is what I used to think when I would become so frustrated over the deep sadness of others. God wanted me to understand how it felt to be in that quicksand and want out with all my heart, and yet not be able to pull myself up out of it. I came out of that deeply personal experience with a lot more empathy and comprehension of the reality that people don't stay depressed on purpose. That experience armed me to realize it is one thing to walk through your own depression - it is quite another to watch someone you dearly love walk through their own dark night. The element of control is removed, and you cannot "fix" another person, nor is it your responsibility to. You have to come to strong terms with that fact because if you don't, it will literally destroy you. I have had to reach that point, mentally, multiple times, with different loved ones, and it has truly been the key to me keeping my own sanity. It breathes life into YOU when dealing with a loved one's depression if you can truly embrace that you cannot fix them, and it is not your responsibility to. NOT that your loved one won't guilt you and try to make you feel like their healing is all depending on you. Hear this truth - it's not. You are not the savior, nor does God ask you to try to be. There is only one Savior, and it's Him. So He would never lay that kind of load of responsibility on you. Release yourself from thinking you need to fix her. Pray for your sister, and truly give her to God, knowing He requires nothing more from you than to pray for her and love her. Sometimes that love needs to be present with her, and sometimes you need to step away and take good care of yourself, while loving her from a distance. The precious Holy Spirit is faithful and will guide you to know the difference. You will get through this.
You're so right, friend. It's usually not until we personally experience depression, anxiety, cancer, chronic pain, life-threatening diagnoses, deep grief, etc. that we can fully appreciate what it's like. I know from personal experience that having someone you love tell you to 'snap out of it' can drive you right around the bend to a bottomless pit of hopelessness and despair.
When we choose to love well and faithfully over the long haul instead of demanding instant fixes we will be the companions that are most effective caregivers. Listening well and showing a quiet, gentle kindness go a long way toward giving hope. Releasing our loved ones continually to The Healer is life-giving and freeing.
Sadly, most of us have to learn the hard way.
From my own experience with people, I would say you touched on the vitals. I would say, "Be there." "Don't be an enabler." "Use words, even Scripture, wisely and with discernment." "Don't be preachy and come off as super-spiritual and having all the answers." "Be a friend who listens." "Protect yourself from being taken advantage of."
"Don't be preachy and come off as super-spiritual and having all the answers."
Yeah. When people are in emotional or physical pain, they zone out and go numb when someone waltzes in who sees themselves as super-spiritual with an answer for all of life's problems.
Lord have mercy. Send me someone who will sit quietly with me, pray silently for me, listen well. Bring flowers and a gentle hug, not words that need to be unpacked and sorted through. Who has the energy for all of it?
My heart goes out to Grammie. I am praying even now for the Lord to strengthen, encourage, and comfort her heart (as only He can). I agree that setting some time aside for self-care (a walk, hot bath, journaling) makes a massive difference in internal processing and continuing to give to those around us.
Yes, yes, there's something about a long soak in a hot bath that calms body, mind, and soul. It's a re-centering, renewing experience. Maybe we all need those long soaks more than the quick showers ...
Wonderful advice, friend!
Exhausted Grammie, I am praying for you right now. I am so sorry for your deep losses and pain. May the peace of God envelop you and comfort you as you walk through such a difficult season. I once found myself in such a season after my Daddy passed away. My son was little, and my elderly, widowed mother had many needs, and I was the one who cared for her. I felt so torn. I remember one night in an ER with Mom. Our little son was with me because my husband was working the night shift. There was a curtain around Mom's ER bed. I stood in the middle of the curtain—my little son was on one side looking up at me, anguish in his tired eyes, quietly begging me to leave and take him home. Unaware of what was happening, Mom was on the other side of the curtain, pleading with me to stay until they got her settled into a room. I don't know a time that I felt more torn as my heart went out with so much compassion to both of them, as the realization washed over me that there was no way I could please them both. Moments/seasons like that try your very soul. You will get through this. This season didn't come to stay, it came to pass. God bless and hold you extra close as you grieve and try to meet the demands of so many.
Oh my, Cheryl, you certainly know where Grammie is coming from. You hear and see the sometimes unspoken pleading and the experience of feeling like Gumby, pulled from all sides. Your story will encourage her that she's not alone in this age-old struggle.
So ... can we ask what happened next? Or is it something that is too personal.
Thank you so much for your kind words, dear friend. Absolutely! It is not too personal to share. God saw me through. I am not going to say that it was easy, and there were times I nearly crumbled, to be honest. All this was happening while Kevin and I were heavily involved in church leadership, and I also ran a bread ministry and clothing ministry at the same time and homeschooled Zach. My dear, sweet Mom was no longer able to drive, but she rode with me all over the place, visiting hospitals and the sick, picking up and delivering bread and clothing donations, etc. She would sit with Zach in the car to watch him so I could do what I needed to, as Kevin worked a full-time job. I look back on those years now and realize how very precious they were. I would not change a thing. Not one thing. A friend of ours says, "God will see us through if we can stand the pull." There is so much truth in that. He didn't promise us an easy life, but He promised that His grace is sufficient, and I have proven time after time that is true. When our strength fails, His strength is made perfect in our weakness.
Oh what a beautiful legacy your Mom left you, Cheryl. You sound so much like her. I am so grateful you've shared more of your story. I'm always blessed by hearing what God has done in you and through you.
Grammie, I’m so sorry for all that you’re going through right now—it sounds incredibly tough. Your feelings of exhaustion, anger, and resentment are completely understandable. Linda’s advice to take care of yourself first is so important, especially when you’re juggling so much. I hope you find little moments to recharge, whether that’s journaling or leaning on your support network.
Sending love and prayers your way.
Yes, there are so many unique little ways we can recharge ... and each encounter helps to fill our cup a bit fuller. I love how God does this for us.
Grammie, it sure does feel like a hamster wheel, doesn't it - when we're helping with the grands, helping our own aging parents, wanting to find spaces where our heart has energy for joy to just sit and enjoy our own children - where do we find time to grieve, to process, for refreshing! I am praying, Grammie, that God make space and time for your heart to grieve, for refreshing under the weight (and heart) for caring for all the age groups that fall under your care. I pray, Father, that you send encouragers to walk with her and lift her up, that she find the right message in the just right book that she can sit with that brings peace. You are not surprised, Father - you knew before she drew her first breath she would be feeling what she is feeling right now, experiencing what she is experiencing - and you already have exactly what she needs! As you work your plan for her daily Father, I pray that you give her peaceful sleep and restful dreams, that she be encouraged in ways only you know how to do! Thank you, Father, for your son, so that we can ask right here; right now! Amen!
Oh amen. And amen again, Maryleigh. Thank you for lifting Grammie up with such thoughtful words and requests. You have heard her heart well. Thank you for coming alongside her in such a significant way.
Bless you.
A dear friend and mentor gave to me a copy of this book after my son died. I find it helpful. I keep a stack of copies to give to others.
"GRIEVING, HOPE, AND SOLACE -when a loved one dies in Christ," by Albert N. Martin
Sally, I love that you keep a stack of copies on hand. You don't have to scurry around to find something appropriate and meaningful to give. This is brilliant.
I have a friend who is in this sandwich position. She has been involved in almost daily care of her aging mother, yet also is trying to spend time with her grandson. Sometimes we need to be cloned! Your advice is sound; I'll try to pass it along to my friend.
These are hard seasons, aren't they, Lisa. We look back and wonder how we ever made it through. But then we realize (yet again) that He carried us every single step of the way. His faithfulness assures us that He will do it again and again. I'm so grateful.
Grammie, I'm sorry about the depth of sorrow you are dealing with. Will be praying for strength for you as you go through your days and comfort that God knows how you are feeling even when you are too exhausted and weak to pray.
And I am praying for you, too, new Grammie. Thanks for reaching out to another Grammie even when you have plenty on your own plate.
You are such kind
Likewise, girl. Likewise.
Grammy, your heart is broken and mine breaks for you. I'll keep you in my prayers, trusting that our loving Father will hold you close in his warm and comforting embrace as you walk with him during this time of pain, loss and grief. Know that others care about you and see you for the strong woman you are. Blessings!
Martha, I'm loving that you see and celebrate Granny's strength. Thanks for speaking so empathetically into her life this afternoon. Bless you, girl.
Oh, Grammie, my heart aches for you. No wonder you're overwhelmed with big emotions; you're in the middle of big responsibilities coupled with tremendous grief. Any one would struggle under such circumstances. This is my prayer for you: Lord God, we praise you for being responsive to the prayers of the destitute. You do not despise their pleas (Psalm 102:17). I pray you provide the help needed by this dear daughter of yours. May she "just happen" to be connected to people and resources that offer relief. May she see your hand at work in downright miraculous ways! As Grammie's needs are fulfilled, we all will give you the glory for your kindness and faithfulness to her, and your awesome power to perform marvelous deeds for her (Psalm 86:10). We pray these things in the name of Jesus, and thank you in advance for what you are about to do! AMEN.
Amen and amen to your heartfelt prayer for our exhausted friend, Nancy. Thank you for lifiting her up to the only One who can ease her burdens ...