Mother’s Day can be joyful but also tough for many, and your words bring comfort and understanding. Love the reminder that emotions matter and healing is possible.
I had a very abusive mother, and not just while I lived "under her roof". She followed me through my life, often showing up drunk and half-naked, repeatedly calling employers and other people I knew on the phone at all hours of the day and night. My first husband was abusive, and constantly told me I was just like my mother. I divorced him and separated myself and my children after a wild rage where I thought my mother would hurt my baby son.
I've suffered nightmares and bad relationships because I had no example to follow and fell for guys who falsely portrayed themselves as good, loving men. Through it all, after a move to another state, I got a good job and raised my sons on my own. They are now all wonderful men, good husbands and fathers, good employees. I'm 72, living alone, and everyone has outgrown me. I see them at holidays and school events and talk to two of them weekly. One married a woman who immediately went to work changing him and our whole family dynamic as soon as he said "I do". I try to do all the right things to heal... I'm involved with my church, friends and neighbors, but I have severe bouts of sadness because something is still missing. I'm
not a special someone and never have been. So I'm chronically anxious and sad... with recurring terrible memories. I never feel like I belong anywhere really... and no matter the circumstances, I can't reveal to anyone the raw pain and damage that started when I was a very little girl. It would take me a lifetime and I'd be drained. So I pray for help and I try to talk to myself when flashbacks show up. I don't know anything more I can do.
Dear Sue, My heart ached as I read your words. I know there is nothing I can say that would ease your deep pain or heal your deep wounds. But I want you to know that I am praying for you right now.
Dear Sue, please know I am so deeply sorry for all you have suffered. I hear your hurting heart and I have no pat answers for you. Thank you for sharing your story with us this afternoon. Please know that other readers will see your tender words and will be praying for you.
You are brave and courageous.
*
Dear Lord,
You see Your beloved daughter's broken heart. It grieves You. Please let her know that You love her deeply. Please bring healing to those tender places that are wounded and sore. Speak to her in her anxiety and reassure her that she belongs to You. Do a special work in her life even today.
So wonderfully written with love and compassion. I have a dear friend whose mother was unloving. Breaks my heart to hear her story. Mother's day brings up lots of emotion for many of us on so many levels doesn't it? A muddled, reflective day for sure
I wonder, for those whose birth mothers caused pain and/or difficulty, if it would help to adopt a mom--an older woman to be a sounding board, a source of wisdom, an encourager, etc. I'm quite certain there are many older women in our churches who would love to be in relationships with younger women, to share what life's experiences have taught them, and minister in the ways mentioned above. If a young woman approached someone older and asked if she had time to be a mentor, that young woman may be very surprised by the positive and eager response.
Yes, yes. Let's hear it for our spiritual mothers, the ones that stood in the gap, who were the hands and feet and heart of Jesus. They come by many names, but a spiritual director/mentor/guide/friend/companion can save our lives in all the ways that matter most.
Thanks for going there, Nancy. I'm thinking that your words are going to be a lightbulb moment for some readers this weekend. I appreciate your wisdom, friend.
Thanks so much for the encouragement and love you give, Linda, here in this space. Mother's day can be troubling for so many of us, especially if we had a difficult time with ours. I'll admit that I didn't always like my mom, but I never stopped loving her. I miss her greatly. Blessings, my friend!
I appreciate the vulnerability of your statement about your feelings, Martha. I think a whole bunch of folks will completely understand not always liking, but choosing to love. Your simple words show us a way through the confusion that challenging relationships cause.
We get to choose. Thank You, Jesus, for helping us do that.
I chose to have you “read” this to me today, it’s a comfort to hear your voice. You know a bit of my troubled heart with my mom. This is very timely, I’ll take refuge in God‘s word that you shared. And to the pastor who is focusing on the women of the Bible. I will highlight and meditate on these…What a safe space this is, I so appreciate your gifting and love. Praying for you as well my friend 💕
Leslie, thank you for being here. It means a lot that you would share a bit of your sweet self with us as we sit with this tender subject during this difficult week. And yes, Bill has given us some good biblical food for thought and devotional action.
You are a shelter in the storm, dear. This is a tough subject but certainly needing to be addressed. So Many Stories, So Little Time - that was the working title of a book I once was planning to publish.
The idea came from the lyrics of a song I wrote about my mother, who was abandoned by her mother when she was seven. I shared the lyrics as a poem with my peeps. Then I was inundated with other stories of friends and friends of family by marriage, who had very bad mother experiences. I thought I would gather them into a collection. I worked on the project for several years, having to put it down for short periods because I would get overwhelmed and pulled into the pain. One clear reason why I could never have been a psychologist. I finally realized there was no closure, or at least a positive result, which the stories needed. My mother never really got over the imbedded rejection but she rallied and made sure her offsprind were loved and armed for battle with dark principalities.
You're right, Meema, we yearn for some kind of closure and often there is nothing we can wrap up, tie with a bow, and put on a shelf. You were fortunate that your mother rallied and made the choice to parent in a different way. I love when God helps us do that.
Forgiveneness is another huge component, because until we can wish those who have hurt or harmed us well, they will always be calling the shots.
So many valuable life skills my mother taught me, not always with words but by example. I can't say for sure she ever actually forgave her mother for dropping her off to an old aunt and uncle without a single word of explanation or goodbye. I think she always carried an imbedded pain about that, which kept her seeking a way to prove she was not worthless, but she refused to allow it to be a negative influence.
Life is complex because humans are complex. I think personality type factors large in how we deal with crisis and challenges. My mother was spunky and self taught. She never let the rejection be an excuse for her life choices. She read every book in the tiny town library. She asked questions. Pretty sure that is something I learned from her.
However, she didn't teach me with words as much as action, which was how I learned to pay attention to what people do more than what they say. She also trained me, by example to be observant, to look outward and around.
i guess the most important lesson she seeded into me was about leaning first on gratitude, which is a step beyond forgiveness. Most do not understand that forgiveness benefits the forgiver more than the forgiven, who often have no clue they need to be forgiven.
Forgiveness is about letting go so you can move on but gratitude is about accepting that pain and mistreatment by another might have been a blessing in disguise. I am sure my mother finally realized she was way better off where she was left and that it set a better trajectory for her future.
All that said, the true defining line in this sketch of my mother is that she found Christ in her early adulthood and that cleared the way for her to desire spiritual acceptance over human closure.
This is such a moving tribute to one who forged ahead despite the odds with Jesus leading the way ...'that cleared the way for her to desire spiritual acceptance over human closure.'
He calls us the beloved, doesn't He. And therein is our hope and healing.
Ah yes, the holiday that is a mixed bag of emotions for sure. Missing my mom who lives a thousand miles away, celebrating my lovely mother-in-law who lives right down the road. Grieving my two babies in heaven, laughing with sheer joy at the four children who now call me mama. Whew.
Yeah. I absolutely hear you, Cathy. A mixed bag for sure. There'll be a whole lot of grieving mixed with joy. I'm always amazed how all our random emotions dance so well together ...
Hey friend, you know my goal is for this to always be a safe place for those who are hurting. Especially this weekend. Please work with me on this, ok? Thanks.
Will do. I never had a mother. I was trying to show compassion for the mothers and fathers out there who lately have been hurt. It was inelegant of me, and wrong. Not the emotion, but the writing.
I don't have any comprehension of 'parents'. That was not my life, and even seeing examples close at hand, I can only guess.
I found my way home with hard, violent men who were nonetheless steadfast in faith. That may sound like a contradiction, but in practice it may not be.
We protected that life of which we could never be part.
My mother mourned her mother’s death until her own dying day. I wish now that I had waded into the bucket of tears and dared to ask for information about the grandmother who I apparently look like and even sound like.
I know there are many with mother wounds, but I'm not one of them. My mother loved me well. it was she who showed me Jesus and taught me the importance of serving Him. She was not perfect by any stretch (who is?) but i am who I am today largely because of her.
Wouldn't it be so awesome if she could (or does she?!) see could see you in action as a pastor.
Meanwhile, how do you handle Mother's Day in your congregation. I know it's an awful day for women who want to have children and aren't able to ... and the women we're talking about here today.
I don't know if she can see me or not. If alive she would be 93. :) However, in some way she is alive in me as I preach about mothers. To answer your question: I don't focus on mothers. I focus on women. In the past I have had women do a round table idea where I ask them questions focusing on a woman in the Bible who inspires them. When I preach, as I am Sunday, I am taking a slightly different approach. We have been using Everyday Gospel Devotion by Paul David Tripp. I took each day of this week and found a key idea. Then I hunted the Scriptures for a woman who exhibited that. i am calling it "A Godly Woman... 1. Prays (Hannah); 2. Receives and Gives Grace (Samaritan woman in John 4; 3. Worships with Passion (Mary of Bethany); 4. Leaves a godly legacy (Rahab/Ruth; 5. Exhibits humility (Abigail); 6. Stands hopeful (woman caught in adultery/woman with illness); 7. Gives glory to God (Deborah). Each one will be abbreviated due to time but the folks will get the gist of it. Long story short. I know there are hurting woman who are unable to have a child (we have one right now who has gone through 2 IVFs) so I want to be sensitive to them. I also have a 50 year old daughter who has never been married, couldn't have children if she wanted to, so my heart reaches her as well. I hope this helps answer your question. Sorry it is so long.
Your people are blessed to have a pastor who's sensitive to where they find themselves in life. I'm guessing that there are a number of pastors who'll see what you're doing and re-frame it for their own people. Hopefully, gone are the days when all the mothers are asked to stand up to get a daisy, while every other female cringes and vows she'll never return to church on a Mother's Day.
Thank you for your kind wisdom here, friend.
Now ... about people in heaven being able to see their loved ones on earth. Hmmm ...
Thanks for your kind words Linda. It has taken me awhile to get things through my thick skull. :) :) If I can help lead other pastors then i would consider it an honor. As for the final statement...I will claim the 5th or whatever that one is that says, "I will not incriminate myself." I will choose silence. My mother didn't raise and idiot is what I tell people. :)
I am so thankful for my mother who loved me, encouraged me, and supported me. I still miss her every day! I am grateful for her legacy. Thank you for sharing, Linda. Happy Mother’s Day, my friend!
Yes, Pam, I hear you. I miss my mom every day. I love seeing her legacy lived on in her great-grandchildren. I hope Sunday will be a good day for you, friend.
Mother’s Day can be joyful but also tough for many, and your words bring comfort and understanding. Love the reminder that emotions matter and healing is possible.
Emotions matter. Healing is possible. Oh yes, there's always hope, isn't there, friend ...
Thanks Linda :*-)
Trusting you are doing well this evening, friend.
Such a beautiful, calming, comforting post! Thank you, dear friend. I pray you had an awesome Mother's Day!
And thanks for spreading His lovingkindness here, friend.
I had a very abusive mother, and not just while I lived "under her roof". She followed me through my life, often showing up drunk and half-naked, repeatedly calling employers and other people I knew on the phone at all hours of the day and night. My first husband was abusive, and constantly told me I was just like my mother. I divorced him and separated myself and my children after a wild rage where I thought my mother would hurt my baby son.
I've suffered nightmares and bad relationships because I had no example to follow and fell for guys who falsely portrayed themselves as good, loving men. Through it all, after a move to another state, I got a good job and raised my sons on my own. They are now all wonderful men, good husbands and fathers, good employees. I'm 72, living alone, and everyone has outgrown me. I see them at holidays and school events and talk to two of them weekly. One married a woman who immediately went to work changing him and our whole family dynamic as soon as he said "I do". I try to do all the right things to heal... I'm involved with my church, friends and neighbors, but I have severe bouts of sadness because something is still missing. I'm
not a special someone and never have been. So I'm chronically anxious and sad... with recurring terrible memories. I never feel like I belong anywhere really... and no matter the circumstances, I can't reveal to anyone the raw pain and damage that started when I was a very little girl. It would take me a lifetime and I'd be drained. So I pray for help and I try to talk to myself when flashbacks show up. I don't know anything more I can do.
Thank you, Cheryl. That's the best thing anyone can do. I really appreciate prayers. ❤️🙏🏼
Dear Sue, My heart ached as I read your words. I know there is nothing I can say that would ease your deep pain or heal your deep wounds. But I want you to know that I am praying for you right now.
Thank you
Dear Sue, please know I am so deeply sorry for all you have suffered. I hear your hurting heart and I have no pat answers for you. Thank you for sharing your story with us this afternoon. Please know that other readers will see your tender words and will be praying for you.
You are brave and courageous.
*
Dear Lord,
You see Your beloved daughter's broken heart. It grieves You. Please let her know that You love her deeply. Please bring healing to those tender places that are wounded and sore. Speak to her in her anxiety and reassure her that she belongs to You. Do a special work in her life even today.
In Jesus' Name, Amen.
xo
Sue, here are some counseling resources and healing workbooks that may be of help to you ...
https://lindastoll.substack.com/publish/post/139483532
So wonderfully written with love and compassion. I have a dear friend whose mother was unloving. Breaks my heart to hear her story. Mother's day brings up lots of emotion for many of us on so many levels doesn't it? A muddled, reflective day for sure
'A muddled, reflective day for sure'
Well said, friend. May we find the kindness of Jesus woven through the midst of it all ...
I wonder, for those whose birth mothers caused pain and/or difficulty, if it would help to adopt a mom--an older woman to be a sounding board, a source of wisdom, an encourager, etc. I'm quite certain there are many older women in our churches who would love to be in relationships with younger women, to share what life's experiences have taught them, and minister in the ways mentioned above. If a young woman approached someone older and asked if she had time to be a mentor, that young woman may be very surprised by the positive and eager response.
Yes, yes. Let's hear it for our spiritual mothers, the ones that stood in the gap, who were the hands and feet and heart of Jesus. They come by many names, but a spiritual director/mentor/guide/friend/companion can save our lives in all the ways that matter most.
Thanks for going there, Nancy. I'm thinking that your words are going to be a lightbulb moment for some readers this weekend. I appreciate your wisdom, friend.
Thank you, LInda! I pray some light bulbs WILL flash this weekend!
Thanks so much for the encouragement and love you give, Linda, here in this space. Mother's day can be troubling for so many of us, especially if we had a difficult time with ours. I'll admit that I didn't always like my mom, but I never stopped loving her. I miss her greatly. Blessings, my friend!
I appreciate the vulnerability of your statement about your feelings, Martha. I think a whole bunch of folks will completely understand not always liking, but choosing to love. Your simple words show us a way through the confusion that challenging relationships cause.
We get to choose. Thank You, Jesus, for helping us do that.
Happy Mother's Day!
Cindy, you, too!
Dearest Linda,
I chose to have you “read” this to me today, it’s a comfort to hear your voice. You know a bit of my troubled heart with my mom. This is very timely, I’ll take refuge in God‘s word that you shared. And to the pastor who is focusing on the women of the Bible. I will highlight and meditate on these…What a safe space this is, I so appreciate your gifting and love. Praying for you as well my friend 💕
Leslie, thank you for being here. It means a lot that you would share a bit of your sweet self with us as we sit with this tender subject during this difficult week. And yes, Bill has given us some good biblical food for thought and devotional action.
I'm grateful.
You are a shelter in the storm, dear. This is a tough subject but certainly needing to be addressed. So Many Stories, So Little Time - that was the working title of a book I once was planning to publish.
The idea came from the lyrics of a song I wrote about my mother, who was abandoned by her mother when she was seven. I shared the lyrics as a poem with my peeps. Then I was inundated with other stories of friends and friends of family by marriage, who had very bad mother experiences. I thought I would gather them into a collection. I worked on the project for several years, having to put it down for short periods because I would get overwhelmed and pulled into the pain. One clear reason why I could never have been a psychologist. I finally realized there was no closure, or at least a positive result, which the stories needed. My mother never really got over the imbedded rejection but she rallied and made sure her offsprind were loved and armed for battle with dark principalities.
You're right, Meema, we yearn for some kind of closure and often there is nothing we can wrap up, tie with a bow, and put on a shelf. You were fortunate that your mother rallied and made the choice to parent in a different way. I love when God helps us do that.
Forgiveneness is another huge component, because until we can wish those who have hurt or harmed us well, they will always be calling the shots.
This is a hard reality. Lord, have mercy.
So many valuable life skills my mother taught me, not always with words but by example. I can't say for sure she ever actually forgave her mother for dropping her off to an old aunt and uncle without a single word of explanation or goodbye. I think she always carried an imbedded pain about that, which kept her seeking a way to prove she was not worthless, but she refused to allow it to be a negative influence.
Life is complex because humans are complex. I think personality type factors large in how we deal with crisis and challenges. My mother was spunky and self taught. She never let the rejection be an excuse for her life choices. She read every book in the tiny town library. She asked questions. Pretty sure that is something I learned from her.
However, she didn't teach me with words as much as action, which was how I learned to pay attention to what people do more than what they say. She also trained me, by example to be observant, to look outward and around.
i guess the most important lesson she seeded into me was about leaning first on gratitude, which is a step beyond forgiveness. Most do not understand that forgiveness benefits the forgiver more than the forgiven, who often have no clue they need to be forgiven.
Forgiveness is about letting go so you can move on but gratitude is about accepting that pain and mistreatment by another might have been a blessing in disguise. I am sure my mother finally realized she was way better off where she was left and that it set a better trajectory for her future.
All that said, the true defining line in this sketch of my mother is that she found Christ in her early adulthood and that cleared the way for her to desire spiritual acceptance over human closure.
This is such a moving tribute to one who forged ahead despite the odds with Jesus leading the way ...'that cleared the way for her to desire spiritual acceptance over human closure.'
He calls us the beloved, doesn't He. And therein is our hope and healing.
Thanks for sharing her story with us, Meema.
Ah yes, the holiday that is a mixed bag of emotions for sure. Missing my mom who lives a thousand miles away, celebrating my lovely mother-in-law who lives right down the road. Grieving my two babies in heaven, laughing with sheer joy at the four children who now call me mama. Whew.
Yeah. I absolutely hear you, Cathy. A mixed bag for sure. There'll be a whole lot of grieving mixed with joy. I'm always amazed how all our random emotions dance so well together ...
May I offer a second, hopefully better, thought? It's awfully Catholic, but so am I (hey, I'm even placing a bet on who the next Pope is gonna be!).
###
If you never had a mother
then God above has one for you,
and then you can be a brother
to the One Who's always true.
The angels woke her up one night
with a proposition,
that if she would, then she might
have Creation's coolest mission,
to birth and raise the living God,
teach Him manners, teach Him love,
and being human, she was flawed
(I guess!) she does yet stand above
the ladies in my life I saw,
and so I'm gonna call her Ma.
No apologies for the opinions expressed below, Linda. Please delete if this doesn't meet your guidelines for comments.
###
I always thought of Mother's Day
as one on which to place my bets
on those who found the bestest way
to capture fleeing moths with nets,
to and fro across the lawn
in the gloaming of the dusk,
though this might well bring a yawn
from the likes of Elon Musk,
who might see this as excuse
to shirk good hard paying work,
but for him I have no use;
he really is kind of a jerk
who seems not to comprehend
the need for wounded souls to mend.
Hey friend, you know my goal is for this to always be a safe place for those who are hurting. Especially this weekend. Please work with me on this, ok? Thanks.
Will do. I never had a mother. I was trying to show compassion for the mothers and fathers out there who lately have been hurt. It was inelegant of me, and wrong. Not the emotion, but the writing.
I don't have any comprehension of 'parents'. That was not my life, and even seeing examples close at hand, I can only guess.
I found my way home with hard, violent men who were nonetheless steadfast in faith. That may sound like a contradiction, but in practice it may not be.
We protected that life of which we could never be part.
I guess you can call me Mom.
Not Linda
MOM.
Never ever thought I would use that word in earnest. Si happy today!
I am crying so hard now Linda.
Oh, golly. Best gift ever, your words.
Solid advice: “do something with those emotions.”
My mother mourned her mother’s death until her own dying day. I wish now that I had waded into the bucket of tears and dared to ask for information about the grandmother who I apparently look like and even sound like.
Relationships are so complicated…
Wading into the bucket of tears. Wow. It sounds like even if you 'dared to ask for information' it probably wouldn't have been forthcoming. I'm sorry.
All I can say is that your grandma must have been an amazing, God-loving, multi-talented woman. 'Cause that's the one that I know today.
I know there are many with mother wounds, but I'm not one of them. My mother loved me well. it was she who showed me Jesus and taught me the importance of serving Him. She was not perfect by any stretch (who is?) but i am who I am today largely because of her.
Wouldn't it be so awesome if she could (or does she?!) see could see you in action as a pastor.
Meanwhile, how do you handle Mother's Day in your congregation. I know it's an awful day for women who want to have children and aren't able to ... and the women we're talking about here today.
I don't know if she can see me or not. If alive she would be 93. :) However, in some way she is alive in me as I preach about mothers. To answer your question: I don't focus on mothers. I focus on women. In the past I have had women do a round table idea where I ask them questions focusing on a woman in the Bible who inspires them. When I preach, as I am Sunday, I am taking a slightly different approach. We have been using Everyday Gospel Devotion by Paul David Tripp. I took each day of this week and found a key idea. Then I hunted the Scriptures for a woman who exhibited that. i am calling it "A Godly Woman... 1. Prays (Hannah); 2. Receives and Gives Grace (Samaritan woman in John 4; 3. Worships with Passion (Mary of Bethany); 4. Leaves a godly legacy (Rahab/Ruth; 5. Exhibits humility (Abigail); 6. Stands hopeful (woman caught in adultery/woman with illness); 7. Gives glory to God (Deborah). Each one will be abbreviated due to time but the folks will get the gist of it. Long story short. I know there are hurting woman who are unable to have a child (we have one right now who has gone through 2 IVFs) so I want to be sensitive to them. I also have a 50 year old daughter who has never been married, couldn't have children if she wanted to, so my heart reaches her as well. I hope this helps answer your question. Sorry it is so long.
Your people are blessed to have a pastor who's sensitive to where they find themselves in life. I'm guessing that there are a number of pastors who'll see what you're doing and re-frame it for their own people. Hopefully, gone are the days when all the mothers are asked to stand up to get a daisy, while every other female cringes and vows she'll never return to church on a Mother's Day.
Thank you for your kind wisdom here, friend.
Now ... about people in heaven being able to see their loved ones on earth. Hmmm ...
Thanks for your kind words Linda. It has taken me awhile to get things through my thick skull. :) :) If I can help lead other pastors then i would consider it an honor. As for the final statement...I will claim the 5th or whatever that one is that says, "I will not incriminate myself." I will choose silence. My mother didn't raise and idiot is what I tell people. :)
Smart woman!
I am so thankful for my mother who loved me, encouraged me, and supported me. I still miss her every day! I am grateful for her legacy. Thank you for sharing, Linda. Happy Mother’s Day, my friend!
Yes, Pam, I hear you. I miss my mom every day. I love seeing her legacy lived on in her great-grandchildren. I hope Sunday will be a good day for you, friend.