Porch #167 🍯 The sweet honey of forgiveness (+ when not to reconcile + 3 reasons you shouldn't forget)
Take it from a forgiven forgiver. Because in the end, it was the least I could do to honor the One who had forgiven me for so much.
you may want to brew a cup of tea and settle in to this lengthier than usual visit …
Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
- Colossians 3:12 - 13
Friends, hello again!
During my almost two decades as a pastoral counselor, I think it'd be safe to say that about 90% of those who sat across me in my office were there because of a forgiveness issue in some way, shape, or form.
This was hardly ever the 'presenting problem.'
The need to forgive is often disguised by a myriad of family issues, relationship challenges, church upheavals, or workplace trauma. Anger, depression, anxiety, or addictive behaviors are often in the mix. Bitter roots slowly dig down and take up what looks to be permanent residence. And in the process, the emotions, attitudes, personality, and health of precious souls takes a huge hit, slowly transforming the person into someone they never dreamed they'd become.
It's not until these kinds of conversations go deeper that the root of so much of our turmoil clearly comes into view. Someone besides Jesus Christ sits on the throne of broken hearts, calling the shots, directing the traffic, running the show.
And the only way to unseat that unwelcome, destructive usurper is to make the seemingly impossible choice to forgive.
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The sad fact is that until we release those who’ve run roughshod over us and done us wrong, they will own us, lock, stock, and barrel, with an ugly stranglehold that refuses to be undone. We will remain dreadfully stuck, mired in the quicksand of the unfortunate past.
Until we can send our perpetrators packing and move ahead with our lives without constantly looking back and wringing our hands over what was, we will live as powerless victims.
The one who wounded you along the way may not deserve forgiveness. And might not even grasp that he needs it. Or could care less about asking for it. Chances are they've moved on and forgotten that they were offensive or hurtful or just plain destructive.
But if we want to move ahead and live life to the fullest, forgiveness is a pivotal step that's simply non-negotiable.
I'm thinking we make forgiveness way harder than it needs to be. It seems cumbersome, impossible ... and somehow so wrong. But it turns out that forgiveness can be as simple as this - finally telling the Lord, 'I am done hauling this pain around. You take it. I wish my perpetrator well.'
Yes. That simple.
It doesn't demand justice or explanations or apologies or wrongs to be made right. It doesn't require more tear-laden conversations or 180 degree turns.
You may have to ask God to do this in you, for you, through you. Repeatedly. That's ok. He knows the purposes of your heart.
I choose to wish you well.
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This is different than reconciliation. A re-knitting of minds and hearts, a rebuilding of relationship. That's another story. And it's lovely when that happens.
But often that isn't the case. The hurt has been too severe, the pain has lingered far too long, the relationship was toxic or abusive or some such thing that should not be pursued or rekindled.
But you can still wish the person well. In your heart, in prayer with the Lord.
For He's the One who's not going to abuse you, betray you, abandon you, exclude you, wound your battered soul. He never leaves, He doesn't forsake, He doesn't change like shifting shadows.
He gets where we’re coming from because in the moments of His ultimate pain-laden sacrifice of His own broken body, He offered forgiveness on the cross.
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When it comes to graciously extending forgiveness, the hardest person to forgive is often the one in the mirror. For sinful choices or stupid decisions or somehow betraying what you valued and held dear. It could have been yesterday afternoon ... or decades back. So if the topic seems overwhelming or like an unattainable goal, please let me say that you're not the only one wrestling with what this looks like.
If we look in the mirror and see a perpetual loser or a masked failure, we have not accepted the forgiveness God has offered us. The more in love we are with Him, the quicker we'll be able to discern when the Spirit is clearly putting His powerful finger on specific sins in our lives. And those are the times we need to own our stuff.
Experience the remorse, confessing every detail of the choices we've made to the One who longs to see us unshackled.
Ask for and receive the desperately yearned for forgiveness.
Claim our identity in Christ. Believe who He says we are. Redeemed. Precious. Beloved. Priceless. Forgiven.
Forgive ourselves.
And then move forward in freedom to all He has for us to be, to do.
How much time and energy have we wasted wringing our hands and beating ourselves up? What opportunities have we missed because we were looking backward instead of upward?
I know this may be a bit controversial, but I’m not a big fan of the too easily spoken ‘forgive and forget’ mantra. In many cases, remembering can be a very good thing. For in doing so ...
We become wiser in our future choices of companions, in what we pursue, in what we deem important.
We acknowledge that we are prone to err, to wound others with our self-absorbed pride, careless words, and harmful actions.
We become students of grace and are quicker to ask for forgiveness and not just mumble a quick 'sorry' when we've sinned against another.
If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.
1 John 1:9Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!
2 Corinthians 5:17Jesus said, If you hold to my teaching, you really are my disciples. Then you will know the truth and the truth will set you free. So if the Son sets you free, you are free indeed.
John 8:31, 32 & 36It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.
Galatians 5:1I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Philippians 4:13
The Choosing to Forgive Workbook: Discover Contentment & Peace By Letting Go of Harmful Anger
Carter & Minirth
What do you want to say about forgiveness? Forgetting? Reconciliation? Your story matters. And it’s an untold, priceless gift to affirm another’s heartache. This is what we do around here. Click to enter the conversation …
Freed up,
Linda
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🍯 We kicked off the year by talking about how unfinished business tends keep us from transitioning well. Last week we talked about fear, people-pleasing and overthinking. Next week? Grieving well.
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When God chooses to have those people remain in our lives, be it in families, neighborhoods, or workplaces, He refines us. Continued contact allows us to surrender our will to His. I've learned I don't have to win them over, but I will treat them the way I would like to be treated. I've grown more in these hard places than at any other time in my life.
This is such an important topic, Linda. Holding on to hurts and grudges is NOT helpful, it's actually harmful to our minds and spirits. The first time I say to God, "I forgive that person. I choose to wish them well," my feelings of hurt most often continue to supersede any warm-and-fuzzy tender-heartedness toward that person--for awhile. But as you point out, Linda, as we repeat those words, the emotions finally catch up. I often find myself feeling sorry for the other person which leads to compassion. And over time the hurt diminishes to a benign memory. (Of course, I'm talking about minor infractions here--no physical harm, no extreme trauma at the hands of another person. I've been very blessed.)