Linda, this is so good from start to finish. So much wisdom. I have never regretted forgiving others, yes, even when I argued with God all my reasons for withholding forgiveness. I am so grateful He continued to require if of me. Forgiveness changes us and there is a peace and beauty which we become the recipients of in our own life.
I am not a fan of 'forgive and forget' either. I want to remember the lessons learned in both giving and receiving forgiveness, for they continually point me to Jesus.
Good point on never regretting forgiving others. I never thought of it that way. So true! And oh yes to this -->'Forgiveness changes us and there is a peace and beauty which we become the recipients of in our own life.'
What a gift we receive when we release all who've wronged us to the One who knows the hearts of everyone involved. Joanne, thanks for being here. You always add so much to the conversation.
"If we look in the mirror and see a perpetual loser or a masked failure, we have not accepted the forgiveness God has offered us" - oh, that is powerful - this is truth! You tackled a bear today (forgiveness) and won - what beautiful grace you give us. I wonder if our culture has too easily grabbed on to walking away from relationships instead of working through to allow God to rebuild - that toxic has come to cover those who irritate you, those you disagree with, those where forgiveness and repentance could come if time had allowed the swelling of pride to reduce on both sides of an offence?
Oh yes ... the swelling of pride. That's huge, isn't it. And when that takes hold of us we'll try to worm our way out of owning our fair share of conflict and disagreement. I'm glad you brought that up, Maryleigh. Along with the cultural influence that certainly has come to the forefront in this generation. Lord, have mercy.
I am late to this conversation, but wanted to share the following:
There have been certain people in my life that I have had to work to forgive. I mean, on my face over and over before the Lord, ugly crying, yelling at Him for what was done to me (by these various people, different situations, so not just one person). But the main thing is this: by HIS power, He gave me the strength to forgive each one. The details were different each time. That is the beauty of it! Each person was forgiven, but how He brought me to that point was slightly different each time. But in the end, each person was/is forgiven. Sometimes, something will happen that brings back the memory of that person or the situation that caused the pain, and I sometimes have to forgive again. No matter; His mercies are new every morning; great is His faithfulness!
Thanks for reminding us that the forgiveness process may look completely different not only for each of us, but for each situation that comes our way. And you're right, when the memories return we need to release that person yet again to the Lord. There's no 1-2-3 formula and in that truth there's a whole lot of freedom ... and expectancy for what God will do.
I'm sorry for taking so long to respond Linda. As you know, life has become "interesting" for me over the past couple of months. Like you, as a pastor of 50+ years, seeing the devastating effects of failing to forgive is heartbreaking. Lives and families torn apart. Some permanently. Some never to be put back together again. I know in my own life that forgiveness has been the way to go. I also know that I have been forgiven of both big (sin) and small (everyday sin). I'm grateful I have a Father who forgives and then also asks me to do the same. Not sure who said it but failing to forgive makes me their slave.
Yes, exactly on being a slave. Or being the one locked in the cell while I'm clutching the key in my hand. Sometimes we need a picture painted to truly get it.
Thank you, Linda, for such a beautiful reminder about forgiveness. I love how you made it clear that forgiveness doesn’t always mean reconciliation, but it's about letting go and healing. And yes, sometimes remembering helps us grow and make better choices. Such a powerful message, and something I’ll carry with me as I move forward! 💛
I have a very good friend who told me once, "Annette, there are somethings in life it takes a lifetime to work through."
Forgiveness does not mean that what that person did is okay. It does not mean that I can trust that person. It does not mean that all the hurt will go away. It means giving all that stuff, that ugly stuff, over to God. Let Him have it. Let Him deal with it.
I have been married 43 years. Hard years. Difficult years. Yet, I have chosen to stay married. On the other side of forgiveness are painful memories, and I have few good memories, there is also the impact of what happened which can rise up years later. However, all of these are opportunities to pray.
Dear Annette, thank you for your courage in taking the time and energy to be vulnerable with us. I am saddened by all the hard, difficult years you have experienced. I am praying even as we speak that the Lord 'will restore the years the locusts have eaten' and would enable you to gather new memories that will encourage your spirit and let you know how dearly beloved you are (Joel 2:25-26).
Wow! This is truth from top to botton, upside down and backwards! As we pass through our spiritual learning thresholds we hopefully acquire wisdom on the other side. I have noticed that those who would like to keep Christians tamped down and ineffective will use Scripture out of context as a weapon. 'Love your neighbor' is usually truncated and sounds so good but it doesn't cover everything. Like what if you found out your neighbor was a psychopath serial killer? Paul warned his people to avoid Alexander the coppersmith because he had done them much harm. Then he added, may he reap his reward. Nothing else needed. Jesus told His disciples when they enter a town that rejects them to turn, shake the dust off and leave. He didn't say they should hate those people though He also turned over the sellers tables in the Temple calling them a den of thieves. We are allowed to defend ourselves and stand up to unjust behavior - what we can't do is determine how God deals with the offender. That's His job, not ours.
Thing is, it is a much bigger scope of understanding than just love love love. It has been my personal experience that some folks need to be loved from a distance. Ultimately forgiveness benefits the one forgiving more than the one forgiven. Once you are able to let go, you are cleaned out of all the negativity that breeds darkness and leaves you ready to receive light.
So, this is a funny back note - being freed of hate and resentment, being able to actually wish someone well makes you the ultimate winner. LOL
I wish we could all sit down together over a cup of tea and talk through all we're learning this week. Meema, you can be our moderator. You've got so many keen observations and I appreciate you've taken the time to share them.
As far as shaking the dust off my feet, well yes, I did this once. Literally. It was a significant step (no pun) in being done and then leaving well. And it was one of the wisest things I ever did.
I think one of the toughest thresholds to pass through is similar to how you teach kids to survive bullying. You instill the power of seeing the bully as someone who needs to drain you in order to fill him/herself up. It isn't about you at all. It's about the bully's insecurity. Armed with this you stand without giving the bully any fuel. Of course this doesn't cover the cruel mentally ill demons whom you have to just avoid. But once you make it known that you don't care what the bully thinks, the bully must look for fuel elsewhere.
Yes, I agree about moving on, shaking off the dust. Done that myself. It's like taking in a breath of fresh air. You wonder why you waited so long. LOL
I can't imagine a more fun event than gathering for tea and conversation. As I type this I am recovering from hip surgery getting ready for my PT to come put me through some tough exercises. Sooooo, that's real life. But in fantasy life I would rather you moderate if you don't mind. Pretty sure that's more in your wheel house.
Forgiveness is so necessary to move-on and not be held captive. Jesus came to set the captives free, didn't He? Forgiving myself, I find, is harder than forgiving others. Whenever that dark feeling of shame comes, turning my thoughts back to Christ brings in the light. I really appreciated your words here, Linda, especially about that person in the "mirror" as I find (in my experience), our own transgressions against ourselves needing forgiveness is not often talked about in the church.
Lynn, praise God for the way you turn your back on shame by looking right to Jesus. Shame and guilt are delivered straight from the enemy of our souls. He wants to keep us stuck in the past and define us by everything we've done wrong.
Praise God that the Holy Spirit guides us into all truth and gives us clarity about ourselves and points us clearly to our sin. 'If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness' (1 John 1:9).
What a huge difference. We are not defined by our sin, we are defined by our Savior and He is our Redeemer. Thank You, Jesus.
Thank you for explaining this so well, Linda. And there is so much HOPE in this truth - "For He's the One who's not going to abuse you, betray you, abandon you, exclude you, wound your battered soul. He never leaves, He doesn't forsake, He doesn't change like shifting shadows." Love and hugs and blessings to you!
It’s amazing that unforgiveness is the root of most issues. “I think it'd be safe to say that about 90% of those who sat across me in my office were there because of a forgiveness issue in some way, shape, or form.”
insightful . As a spiritual director I would say 90% of my directees present discernment and/or loss/giref as the issue. would be fun to talk with you how these this all relates....
Yeah. It's hard to tease all these life challenges apart and line them up 1 - 2 - 3. You're right, it's hard to cultivate discernment when there's so much lamenting to be done. Healing and growth aren't a linear process, are they ...
This is such an important topic, Linda. Holding on to hurts and grudges is NOT helpful, it's actually harmful to our minds and spirits. The first time I say to God, "I forgive that person. I choose to wish them well," my feelings of hurt most often continue to supersede any warm-and-fuzzy tender-heartedness toward that person--for awhile. But as you point out, Linda, as we repeat those words, the emotions finally catch up. I often find myself feeling sorry for the other person which leads to compassion. And over time the hurt diminishes to a benign memory. (Of course, I'm talking about minor infractions here--no physical harm, no extreme trauma at the hands of another person. I've been very blessed.)
Don't you just love when the Holy Spirit replaces hurt and grudges with tenderness and compassion. Only God.
And yes, your note reminding us that the trauma of abuse is an altogether different situation that what we've been talking about this week. We are wise to reach out and find professional care to walk down those paths again to find freedom and wholeness.
Anne Lamott once wrote, "Not forgiving is like drinking rat poison and then waiting for the rat to die."
Also, stuck here: "Believe who He says we are. Redeemed. Precious. Beloved."
Wow, Brooke. Rat poison. 'Nuff said, right?
Wow.
Linda, this is so good from start to finish. So much wisdom. I have never regretted forgiving others, yes, even when I argued with God all my reasons for withholding forgiveness. I am so grateful He continued to require if of me. Forgiveness changes us and there is a peace and beauty which we become the recipients of in our own life.
I am not a fan of 'forgive and forget' either. I want to remember the lessons learned in both giving and receiving forgiveness, for they continually point me to Jesus.
Blessings!
Good point on never regretting forgiving others. I never thought of it that way. So true! And oh yes to this -->'Forgiveness changes us and there is a peace and beauty which we become the recipients of in our own life.'
What a gift we receive when we release all who've wronged us to the One who knows the hearts of everyone involved. Joanne, thanks for being here. You always add so much to the conversation.
"If we look in the mirror and see a perpetual loser or a masked failure, we have not accepted the forgiveness God has offered us" - oh, that is powerful - this is truth! You tackled a bear today (forgiveness) and won - what beautiful grace you give us. I wonder if our culture has too easily grabbed on to walking away from relationships instead of working through to allow God to rebuild - that toxic has come to cover those who irritate you, those you disagree with, those where forgiveness and repentance could come if time had allowed the swelling of pride to reduce on both sides of an offence?
Oh yes ... the swelling of pride. That's huge, isn't it. And when that takes hold of us we'll try to worm our way out of owning our fair share of conflict and disagreement. I'm glad you brought that up, Maryleigh. Along with the cultural influence that certainly has come to the forefront in this generation. Lord, have mercy.
Thanks for more food for thought.
I am late to this conversation, but wanted to share the following:
There have been certain people in my life that I have had to work to forgive. I mean, on my face over and over before the Lord, ugly crying, yelling at Him for what was done to me (by these various people, different situations, so not just one person). But the main thing is this: by HIS power, He gave me the strength to forgive each one. The details were different each time. That is the beauty of it! Each person was forgiven, but how He brought me to that point was slightly different each time. But in the end, each person was/is forgiven. Sometimes, something will happen that brings back the memory of that person or the situation that caused the pain, and I sometimes have to forgive again. No matter; His mercies are new every morning; great is His faithfulness!
Allison, you're never late around here!
Thanks for reminding us that the forgiveness process may look completely different not only for each of us, but for each situation that comes our way. And you're right, when the memories return we need to release that person yet again to the Lord. There's no 1-2-3 formula and in that truth there's a whole lot of freedom ... and expectancy for what God will do.
I'm sorry for taking so long to respond Linda. As you know, life has become "interesting" for me over the past couple of months. Like you, as a pastor of 50+ years, seeing the devastating effects of failing to forgive is heartbreaking. Lives and families torn apart. Some permanently. Some never to be put back together again. I know in my own life that forgiveness has been the way to go. I also know that I have been forgiven of both big (sin) and small (everyday sin). I'm grateful I have a Father who forgives and then also asks me to do the same. Not sure who said it but failing to forgive makes me their slave.
Yes, exactly on being a slave. Or being the one locked in the cell while I'm clutching the key in my hand. Sometimes we need a picture painted to truly get it.
You could write a book, couldn't you, Bill.
Thank you, Linda, for such a beautiful reminder about forgiveness. I love how you made it clear that forgiveness doesn’t always mean reconciliation, but it's about letting go and healing. And yes, sometimes remembering helps us grow and make better choices. Such a powerful message, and something I’ll carry with me as I move forward! 💛
Veronica, I'm glad there was a bit of a takeaway for you today. Yes please to the choices that lead us to let go and heal.
Have a good one, friend.
I have a very good friend who told me once, "Annette, there are somethings in life it takes a lifetime to work through."
Forgiveness does not mean that what that person did is okay. It does not mean that I can trust that person. It does not mean that all the hurt will go away. It means giving all that stuff, that ugly stuff, over to God. Let Him have it. Let Him deal with it.
I have been married 43 years. Hard years. Difficult years. Yet, I have chosen to stay married. On the other side of forgiveness are painful memories, and I have few good memories, there is also the impact of what happened which can rise up years later. However, all of these are opportunities to pray.
Dear Annette, thank you for your courage in taking the time and energy to be vulnerable with us. I am saddened by all the hard, difficult years you have experienced. I am praying even as we speak that the Lord 'will restore the years the locusts have eaten' and would enable you to gather new memories that will encourage your spirit and let you know how dearly beloved you are (Joel 2:25-26).
He loves you so.
Thank you.
Enjoyed this read today. And I love that song Holy Water by Tasha. I hope that your week is wonderful. Hugs and blessings, Cindy
Cindy, I'm glad you're here. And yes, yes, to Holy Water. For days, it wouldn't stop playing in my head ... and heart.
Wow! This is truth from top to botton, upside down and backwards! As we pass through our spiritual learning thresholds we hopefully acquire wisdom on the other side. I have noticed that those who would like to keep Christians tamped down and ineffective will use Scripture out of context as a weapon. 'Love your neighbor' is usually truncated and sounds so good but it doesn't cover everything. Like what if you found out your neighbor was a psychopath serial killer? Paul warned his people to avoid Alexander the coppersmith because he had done them much harm. Then he added, may he reap his reward. Nothing else needed. Jesus told His disciples when they enter a town that rejects them to turn, shake the dust off and leave. He didn't say they should hate those people though He also turned over the sellers tables in the Temple calling them a den of thieves. We are allowed to defend ourselves and stand up to unjust behavior - what we can't do is determine how God deals with the offender. That's His job, not ours.
Thing is, it is a much bigger scope of understanding than just love love love. It has been my personal experience that some folks need to be loved from a distance. Ultimately forgiveness benefits the one forgiving more than the one forgiven. Once you are able to let go, you are cleaned out of all the negativity that breeds darkness and leaves you ready to receive light.
So, this is a funny back note - being freed of hate and resentment, being able to actually wish someone well makes you the ultimate winner. LOL
I wish we could all sit down together over a cup of tea and talk through all we're learning this week. Meema, you can be our moderator. You've got so many keen observations and I appreciate you've taken the time to share them.
As far as shaking the dust off my feet, well yes, I did this once. Literally. It was a significant step (no pun) in being done and then leaving well. And it was one of the wisest things I ever did.
I think one of the toughest thresholds to pass through is similar to how you teach kids to survive bullying. You instill the power of seeing the bully as someone who needs to drain you in order to fill him/herself up. It isn't about you at all. It's about the bully's insecurity. Armed with this you stand without giving the bully any fuel. Of course this doesn't cover the cruel mentally ill demons whom you have to just avoid. But once you make it known that you don't care what the bully thinks, the bully must look for fuel elsewhere.
Yes, I agree about moving on, shaking off the dust. Done that myself. It's like taking in a breath of fresh air. You wonder why you waited so long. LOL
I can't imagine a more fun event than gathering for tea and conversation. As I type this I am recovering from hip surgery getting ready for my PT to come put me through some tough exercises. Sooooo, that's real life. But in fantasy life I would rather you moderate if you don't mind. Pretty sure that's more in your wheel house.
This is such a beautiful article on forgiveness. I love the idea of just handing it over to God and saying "I wish him well'.
Yes. He can take care of all the details, the fine points, the logistics. I'm so thankful!
Forgiveness is so necessary to move-on and not be held captive. Jesus came to set the captives free, didn't He? Forgiving myself, I find, is harder than forgiving others. Whenever that dark feeling of shame comes, turning my thoughts back to Christ brings in the light. I really appreciated your words here, Linda, especially about that person in the "mirror" as I find (in my experience), our own transgressions against ourselves needing forgiveness is not often talked about in the church.
Lynn, praise God for the way you turn your back on shame by looking right to Jesus. Shame and guilt are delivered straight from the enemy of our souls. He wants to keep us stuck in the past and define us by everything we've done wrong.
Praise God that the Holy Spirit guides us into all truth and gives us clarity about ourselves and points us clearly to our sin. 'If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness' (1 John 1:9).
What a huge difference. We are not defined by our sin, we are defined by our Savior and He is our Redeemer. Thank You, Jesus.
Thank you for explaining this so well, Linda. And there is so much HOPE in this truth - "For He's the One who's not going to abuse you, betray you, abandon you, exclude you, wound your battered soul. He never leaves, He doesn't forsake, He doesn't change like shifting shadows." Love and hugs and blessings to you!
Hope. Yes, yes, friend. And that's what we're longing for amidst all the pain and lament and uncertainty. Jesus.
It’s amazing that unforgiveness is the root of most issues. “I think it'd be safe to say that about 90% of those who sat across me in my office were there because of a forgiveness issue in some way, shape, or form.”
For sure. And it often takes many hours of conversation before the precious soul can fully discern for herself what her burden truly is.
insightful . As a spiritual director I would say 90% of my directees present discernment and/or loss/giref as the issue. would be fun to talk with you how these this all relates....
Yeah. It's hard to tease all these life challenges apart and line them up 1 - 2 - 3. You're right, it's hard to cultivate discernment when there's so much lamenting to be done. Healing and growth aren't a linear process, are they ...
This is such an important topic, Linda. Holding on to hurts and grudges is NOT helpful, it's actually harmful to our minds and spirits. The first time I say to God, "I forgive that person. I choose to wish them well," my feelings of hurt most often continue to supersede any warm-and-fuzzy tender-heartedness toward that person--for awhile. But as you point out, Linda, as we repeat those words, the emotions finally catch up. I often find myself feeling sorry for the other person which leads to compassion. And over time the hurt diminishes to a benign memory. (Of course, I'm talking about minor infractions here--no physical harm, no extreme trauma at the hands of another person. I've been very blessed.)
Don't you just love when the Holy Spirit replaces hurt and grudges with tenderness and compassion. Only God.
And yes, your note reminding us that the trauma of abuse is an altogether different situation that what we've been talking about this week. We are wise to reach out and find professional care to walk down those paths again to find freedom and wholeness.
I've gathered wellness resources here -
https://lindastoll.substack.com/publish/post/139483532
I am aware of Jesus' law,
but of hate I won't be rid,
for I was there, and there I saw
exactly what you did
to the very least of these
those who lacked means to resist,
and there is nothing to appease
me, and I won't desist
in my grim pursuit of you
and your comrades vile,
and be assured that when I'm through
and spent this burning bile
you will seek refuge in the earth,
and curse occasion of your birth.
In this season I can't help but believe that He's longing to whisper peace into your valient warrior's soul, weary friend -
'Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.'
(John 14:27)